Sophia Turns 2!

Better late than never.... If you frequent my blog then this should be no surprise to you :)

My youngest is now 2, and for the first time in 7 years I no longer have a baby in the house! I'm happy to see certain things get easier as they get older, but I cant lie- its hard letting her grow up.

Having children back to back was what we wanted,

*Insert rhetoric*

-Yes! It was intentional and I DO know how they got here and yadda, yadda, yadda- 

but through Sophia I'm seeing something I wish I was more conscious of over the years... thinking back to this age for the other kids is a blur. Everything went so fast. I was spending time taking care of the youngest (at the time) and keeping up with the oldest, mixed in with therapies and insecurities and a whole lot of learning...

Now don't get me wrong. Mommy and Daddy have plenty of love to share for everyone. No, I don't think anyone got "left out" or "didn't have enough one on one time" but for ME, for my own personal "mommy records" cataloged in my mind, having kids so close together left those records smudged a bit. 

There are some things that I remember really clear: 

The same month we lost a baby we found out something was "wrong" with Roman. 

And sitting in the genetics office awaiting his test results, my OB called to let me know we were pregnant again with Lydia. 

I remember very clear the week we found out Sophia was coming, Noah was diagnosed with Autism. And I remember being 9 months pregnant with Sophia, staying in the hospital with Roman after his surgery, Holding the hand of my oldest, with other hand on my belly, weeping for both. 

There is so much more to my life as a parent than those difficult times. And now that the baby chapter has closed, I am learning to become more and more intentional in the way I watch my children grow. Hearing Lydia sing, Watching Noah play, Listening to Roman share about his day... I'm intentionally cataloging away in my mind. And no longer will I let certain challenges rob me as a parent. I will enjoy my children, I will savor this time.  

Roman would say "She's all our baby!" and Sophia really is.

Its an absolute joy watching you grow, Sophia Grace! We love you!

Happy 1st Birthday, Sophia Grace

As I get ready for Noah and Lydias Birthday party, I realize I havent posted Sophia's party pics. As you can tell, I dont blog in real time! Just when I can find some time!

My sweet Sophia Grace is now a walking, babbling, finger pointing 1 year old....
*sniffle*
Where does the time go?

The Repair

It was the Friday before Sophia's surgery:

 I was desperately trying to get all my errands done for the week because I wasn't sure what was gonna happen once she had the surgery. So I had the girls with me and we did some grocery shopping at Walmart. I went into the check out line and was greeted by a young girl, wearing a high school hoodie and a sweet smile. It was an extra sweet smile because I could see a very distinct scar across her lip and I was very aware of that meant  I tried not to stare... but it was really hard. I wanted to ask her about her scar, ask her if she gets teased in school or did she have to go to speech therapy as a kid, did she have to do genetic testing, who did her repair, was she insecure about it, did people ask her about it all the time... a million things were racing through my head. I thought maybe I could bring it up by moving my strategically placed blanket in Sophia's car seat and exposing her mouth... and making it seem like I didn't notice HER scar... slower and slower I placed things on the conveyor belt, panicking.
And then she asked, "How old is your baby?"
"Uh.... 3 months." Just then I reached in the basket as she watched and rearranged the blanket that was near her face. The young girl locked eyes with Sophia, smiled, and with out flinching, without even seeming surprised, began telling me how beautiful she was. It was strange, yet comforting. She didn't acknowledge the lip verbally, yet I kept hearing "it'll be ok" in my spirit.

God is so good.

I have never seen that girl at Walmart before, and almost a month later, I still haven't. I look for her every time I go.

The evening of the surgery we struggled. 11 pm was the cut off for her feeding and she was not to eat until the following day, AFTER her surgery. I was a nervous wreck as to how I was suppose to deny my infant food for 9+ hours... but we had a lot of people praying for her, and let me tell ya.... not a peep.... at all... the whole night....

Miraculous.

The following morning I handed my infant over to the nurses as they walked her in their arms down the hallway, through the double doors and around the corner. I cried. This was the 6th time in the last 2.5 years that I had handed one of my children over to a surgeon. I tried not to think about a knife approaching my daughters sweet and precious face. It was overwhelming.

2 hours in the operating room and a lot of prayer between myself, my husband and God.
Some silence.
Some small talk.

"Do you think shes gonna look different?" I asked my husband.
"Yeah. I think shes gonna look a lot different. A good different." He said.

I was so anxious to see what she looked like and after 2 hours in the O.R. it was time...

I had been reading on the internet about these parents who would go through a sense of mourning after their child's cleft lip repair. Some said it was like seeing their child again for the first time. Others were kinda disturbed by holding a child that they knew was theirs but looking nothing like the child they knew.

They wheeled her in on this giant bed. A tiny baby with a very horse cry and swollen face. The nurse said it was alright to pick her up, and so I did, sat in the chair and studied her. It was very difficult to process....

I think back to when Sophia was first born. I remember holding her and staring at her. While I was processing what I was looking at, all the nurses just kept saying over and over- "The lip isn't that bad." and "They are gonna fix her up and you wont even tell." I could hear the chatter bounce around the room and at the same time was trying to understand what I was feeling. I guess unless you have been through something like this you cant really understand. I'm having a hard time even explaining. But it again felt kinda like that.

"She looks totally different." I said, in shock.
"Oh, wow. She looks like a completely different baby." My husband said, surprised himself.
"It doesn't look like her." I said as I looked at her swollen and bruised face. "Wow, this is weird..."
The nurse said that everything  I was saying and feeling is completely normal, that "Everyone reacts differently, but you are not out of the norm. You will get used to it."

I spent the next 36 hours by her side. Staring at her like I did when she was first born. Reflecting on the journey that was "Sophia!" Reflecting on God's goodness and favor, even in the less favorable of situations. Starting to feel a sense of purpose from that initial pain.

This repair represents so much more than just a cosmetic, elective surgery. The repair to her lip caused a major repair in my relationship with God. As I struggled in my day to day life with the challenges I faced, this one shook me to the core, from conception till repair. I lacked faith, greatly, and that has been restored. And as I lead this special kind of life, I have gained new perspective. And that God is the only person who could possibly love our children more than we do, and a love so great has no ill will.

Sophia is doing great by the way. We go to our post op appointment next week and I'm anxious to hear what the surgeon has to say about her recovery :) Thank you all for the prayers, from start to finish!

Operation Smile

John 14:26 

But the Comforter (Counselor, Helper, Intercessor, Advocate, Strengthener, Standby), the Holy Spirit, Whom the Father will send in My name [in My place, to represent Me and act on My behalf], He will teach you all things. And He will cause you to recall (will remind you of, bring to your remembrance) everything I have told you.

     Ever looked at something, read something, or heard something that effected you deeply and you weren't sure why? Until one day you are faced with a circumstance and it hits you- God had been preparing your heart for this very moment....

     When faced with the hard stuff, I believe if you look back you will see Gods finger prints all over the situation long before it came to pass. Like hands tenderizing the heart, softening it to things that have never crossed your mind before and now creating a very soft spot inside.

     In my last post, I shared about a text message I had received just the day before Sophia's original diagnosis. As I look back even a couple years prior I can see how God has spoken to this situation long before I knew who Sophia Grace was.

     Long before my pregnancy with Sophia, I was looking up the website for "Operation Christmas Child" and while typing in the Google bar "operation" i noticed a pop up for "Operation Smile." Thinking they were connected somehow, I clicked on the link. I began watching videos of children in 3rd world countries in need of a cleft lip repair. The more I searched the sight, the more choked up I became. A particular video of a mother seeing her sons new smile and the translation reading "beautiful, beautiful." made me just ache. I tried to understand those feelings yet I felt like i connected with her. As I read I learned that these families would come miles, some walking or taking several forms of transportation  to put their child's name on a list and hope they are randomly selected for the repair. Many families are turned away.

     I'm reminded of this when i start to feel sorry for myself, or for Sophia.

     How to be grateful in the midst of an unfortunate circumstance..... Well, Sophia could have been born anywhere, to anyone, but she was given to me. Here, in the US, she will receive and operation that my insurance company will mostly pay for, it will be done and life will go on.... I am so grateful for that. And I remind myself of that when my heart hurts.

     I picture my self sitting at the computer one night looking over this site and Gods hand being on my shoulder. Placing burden for people in situations that I know nothing about, knowing that one day I would. That he would allow these things to come to pass, and was preparing me long before.

     Be sensitive to the things that choke you up and cause your eyes to well. Its the holy spirit working in you and molding your heart... Possibly preparing you for things to come or giving you a sensitivity to a work he needs you to accomplish.

Operation Smile: Son's Story

Meet Sophia Grace

"No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." 

 Romans 8:37-39

     About six months ago i was sitting in my living room when i received a text message. It read "Please pray for my co worker. She's pregnant and found out the baby is sick. She is considering terminating the pregnancy." I put the phone in my lap in my heart sunk. At the time I was about 22 weeks pregnant with our latest child and couldn't imagine the fear that that woman must be feeling. Looking to send a reminder to others, I clicked on Facebook and "updated" my status. It read "Who's report are you going to believe? When doctors and tests and results and statistics are rearing their ugly head, who's promises are you going to claim?" I kept clicking the "post" button on my phone, but it wouldn't post for some reason... Soon we were packing up the kids and heading to church and my "status" was forgotten. 

     The next day we all woke up early, packed up the kids and headed out for the anatomy scan of the baby. We were so excited to find out if it was a boy or a girl! Soon we were all in the room, looking up at the monitor, anxious to find out."Would you like to know the sex?" "YES!"  "...Its a girl." I now had two boys and two girls and my heart was happy. The scan continued along with the sonographer showing us where the belly was, and the heart and so on. As she made her way up the baby's body, I noticed she was focusing a lot on one certain area. She was pressing harder and harder into my belly and squinting her eyes as she stared at her screen. Me and my husband shot a look at each other, kinda confused.... "Is everything ok?" I asked. She zoomed into the baby's face and said "Do you see that gray line there? That usually means a cleft lip has formed. I think you should continue this scan at our high risk office." She took the monitor off me and started cleaning up quickly. I was in shock. Utter shock. There are no words to explain how i felt in that moment. We were escorted into another waiting room so we could talk to my OB and find out where to go from there. 

     Sitting in the waiting room, among other woman and their belly's, was me, my husband and our 3 children playing on the floor. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I put both of my hands on my face, looked at my husband and all I could say was "This is bad. This is really, really bad." I just buried my face in his shoulder and sobbed. See, for those of you who don't know, we have been around the block a time or two with doctors and therapists with our boys. I had more knowledge than I care to have when it came these things. I knew all about genetics and testing, and I was well aware of what kind of road we were about to walk down. We met with my OB and she stated that the ultrasound tech was concerned about a few things... It felt like some one had died. I cant explain it. In a second all the joy I had in me seemed to just exit my body. 

     It was a few days later I met with the high risk doctors and they did their own scan. Upon completion I was told that they could not see all the chambers of the heart, a portion of the spine, or whether or not her palate was in tact. It was confirmed that she did indeed have a cleft lip and an amniocentesis as well as blood work was highly recommended... I agreed completely out of fear. Never did i have this kind of testing done while pregnant with any of my children. In fact, I wasn't even sure if I believed in these kinds of things...

      After the testing was done I met with the genetic counselor there in the office. Her first question was if I was going to continue along with the pregnancy. "Of course" I said, baffled. There were a lot of words that came out her mouth after that but I don't recall very many. She just began to nit pick at every little thing in me and my husband all our children... What seemed to be every failure and discrepancy... What was deemed not the "norm" and below average... Can I tell you something? Inside I was screaming mad. It felt so unfair. I wanted to know where the list of all the good things was and when do we pull that out? Instead I was handed a list of statistics and the likelihood of things to come. She was sure that the testing was going to come back and link every detail  together. Looking for some glimmer of hope, I asked her "Is there a chance that my oldest can can have a chromosomal defect, and his brother have sensory issues and this baby have "whatever," just because?" She replied "Sure, it does happen." So then I asked her why that happens. She shrugged her shoulders and said "Bad luck, I guess."

     For about a week our house was silent. Don't get me wrong, the kids and the noise were there, but there was no meaningful words said. No eye contact made. Just a heaviness that filled our home. Eventually, one night, after all the kids were in bed, me and my husband met in the living room and finally tried to form words about our little Sophia. The burden was so weighty that we outwardly started to cry out to God. It was the kind of prayers that come from shear desperation. Where your face is a mess and you cant hardly breathe. When the prayers that are not so pretty sounding. It was that night I was reminded of the week prior and the words i typed on my phone. Like a light was switched on in my head- "Who's report are you going to believe? When doctors and tests and results and statistics are rearing their ugly head, who's promises are you going to claim?" It was prophesied over that we would be tested. That He was still Lord over this situation and this child. With these words I flipped-flopped from being comforted, to angry, to begging for God to take all of it from me... To reading stories of his mighty miracles, to recalling the countless times God intervened on behalf of my children... to believing that this was a lost cause and I was cursed, and me and my family we people of "bad luck."

     Three weeks following that very first ultrasound would be the week that the genetic counselor would be calling with the results. The results came in a series of three tests with three different results. The first call from the office came in, CLEAR. A couple days later the second call, NOTHING SHOWN. And a few days later the final test result came in. This time it was actual genetic counselor called me. While my hand was shaking, she informed me that the last test came back completely normal, that they could not find any genetic abnormalities linking her to any type of disorder or syndrome.... You would think that wave of relief would wash over me. But it didn't. It never came. Tears just started to well up and I didn't say anything. The counselor said "Mrs. Terei, this is great news! Why don't you sound happy?" Choked up, I tried my best to convince her that I was, when in fact all I could hear was her diagnosis of "bad luck." That we must simply have bad luck. Like a curse. Or maybe a punishment.

     Ever since the initial high risk appointment, we followed up with an ultrasound about every 4 weeks. As each appointment went along, we were given an even better report than the last. Suddenly, every chamber of the heart was there, the rhythm was great. Spine? That must of been an oversight, cause a month later it looked good. And three months later during a scan they were almost 100% sure that her palate was completely intact. And even in receiving those answered prayers, I still ended every ultrasound with me asking "But still the lip? The lip is still the same" I was told over and over that the lip was what it was. That it wasn't going to change. I was obsessing over it night and day. I would pray "Ok God, now if you could just take this from me as well..."

     2 weeks before my due date I went in for my final ultrasound. When i had met with my ob a few days prior she told me that she didn't think it was necessary for me to go to the final one. But the day came, i just wanted to go one more time to see if anything had changed. So at 38 weeks I went in for my final ultrasound. We didn't get to stick around that long. The ultrasound showed that there were signs of distress and off to labor and delivery we went. I had never felt so much anxiety about having a baby like I did with her.

     Sophia Grace Terei was born Wednesday, September 5th at 9:20 am. She was 6 lbs 11 oz and 19 inches long. My smallest baby. She is perfect. Yes, she born with an isolated cleft lip. Yes, I am still struggling with that.  Yes, this story is not over yet... There are many details I could expound on, and maybe I will another time. 

     Its very obvious I struggled with the report the doctors had given us. I don't know if it was because I already knew the things I knew from previous experiences or because this was a child that had yet to be born and it all seemed so out of my control. Maybe both.... I struggle with the term "bad luck," one that really carried zero meaning prior cause I don't believe in luck. I believe in purpose. But for some reason I hear that phrase all the time now and something in me tries to rise up. I am going to throw caution to the wind and tell you that I am still struggling with many things, but I am pushing forward. 

     I guess in all of this I just want to say, that I am overwhelmed in knowing that I have a God that will not abandon me during my weakest moments. He knew prior to this time, to this season and these tests how i would respond. And in spite of that I believe he healed Sophia miraculously from the things that were in her initial report. To God be all the glory. It is true, just the faith the size of a mustard seed.... that literally was all i had. And mountains still moved. God could have healed Sophia's lip in the womb if that was his plan. But He didn't. It wasn't because I doubted, but because He has another purpose for this. So, more to come. Thanks for reading :)